I'm stuck.

I'm having a hard time with life today. I feel like I don't have a lot to look forward to, and I'm fortunate enough that I'm not really used to that.

I really realized that I had lost a piece of myself today when I went and turned on my downloading program to get some new music, and realized that I didn't have the first clue what to download. So i went on to the website of my favourite radio station, and looked at the top ten, to see if maybe I could be inspired a bit, and I didn't know any of the songs on there, and didn't know some of the artists. That's not me, music has always been an integral part of my soul. I've always taken pride in the fact that I have a love for music that I've tried to pass off to my kids, that I'm a very diverse listener, etc. I've only ever found that to not be true when I've slumped into a big depression. It happened last time when I went on mat leave with Jacob. All of a sudden, I realized I hadn't listened to the radio, or even been bothered to, for eight months.

It's been a long time since I bothered with the radio. it's been a long time since I've felt truly passionate about anything in my life, and I feel like this "slump" is sucking the very life out of me. I'm normally a happy person, optimistic, with nothing but good feelings to the future, and a believer that you create your own destiny. I find myself day in day out lately, sitting here, going, "what's the point?" to so many things.

I need to stop thinking like that. I need to reclaim who I am, or at least who I used to be, and what I stand for. There's a "me" in there somewhere, and she's screaming to get out,and I don't know how to let her out.

it's not fair.

I have a really hard time with the world as of late. It's not a fair place, it's not a justified place, it's not somewhere I feel I'll ever full understand. Call me cynical, or pessimistic, or negative, or call me whatever the hell you will, but sometimes I don't understand why bad things happen to good people, and vice versa. Not that I really think there's truly evil incarnate out there, but I think a lot of the world is selfish and undeserving in certain circumstances, myself included.

My rent is going up. Honestly, it's not a big increase, and it's not the fact that it's a big increase that has me upset. It's that the landlords cite they're increasing our rent due to property taxes going up as their reason for increasing our rent. Truthfully, I don't know if this is why they chose to increase it, and truthfully, I don't really give a damn. I don't understand how an increase in rent is supposed to be our "reward" for paying our astronomically high rent on time, in full, every month. We take care of their property, so we should pay more? How does that make any sense?

One of the things I seem to be reminded of on a daily basis is the injustice that comes to parents. My best friend had a stillbirth last year, at 40 weeks and 4 days. She is nothing but the kindest, most open, generous person I know. I don't find it fair that she has to endure heartbreak on a minute-to-minute basis when so many times a day, women are getting pregnant who are not capable, nor willing, to provide the basic necessities of life to their unborn children. How does that make any sense?

I see people every day who hope for the greatest of things to come to them, only to continuously complain about the rest of their lives. I'm too broke, I'm deprived of this kind of attention, I don't have this ideal in my life. Whatever happened to being thankful for what you have? Although I'm annoyed by the fact that my rent is going up, or I don't have work lined up for after I'm done maternity leave, or the fact that I seem to be too busy at times to keep my house clean, I'm extremely grateful for the fact that I have a home that can house my family, that I have the skills to gain employment, and that I have all three of my beautiful children to distract me. I'm talking about those people out there who do it to themselves. They get into positions in life fully aware of what the hardships may be, yet when faced with those harships, scream "why me?" How does that make any sense?

I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life. Like I'm about to turn the corner, and then I'll know what I'm meant to do, now that I've done what I always wanted by having my three children.

But I'm fucking impatient.

Why does this even exist?

....because I have a lot to say, and I don't always get it out. Because I can't do this on my photography blog, and I kinda miss that. Because I think there's a lot to be said for the art of writing. I believe that a writer tells a story, and that for every story told, there will be maybe, just maybe, one life out there it touches, or at least someone who reads it and thinks "yeah, man, I SO get that." Or maybe I'm a narccisist and just feel a need to hear my self talk for gratification.

You decide.