I'm having a hard time with life today. I feel like I don't have a lot to look forward to, and I'm fortunate enough that I'm not really used to that.
I really realized that I had lost a piece of myself today when I went and turned on my downloading program to get some new music, and realized that I didn't have the first clue what to download. So i went on to the website of my favourite radio station, and looked at the top ten, to see if maybe I could be inspired a bit, and I didn't know any of the songs on there, and didn't know some of the artists. That's not me, music has always been an integral part of my soul. I've always taken pride in the fact that I have a love for music that I've tried to pass off to my kids, that I'm a very diverse listener, etc. I've only ever found that to not be true when I've slumped into a big depression. It happened last time when I went on mat leave with Jacob. All of a sudden, I realized I hadn't listened to the radio, or even been bothered to, for eight months.
It's been a long time since I bothered with the radio. it's been a long time since I've felt truly passionate about anything in my life, and I feel like this "slump" is sucking the very life out of me. I'm normally a happy person, optimistic, with nothing but good feelings to the future, and a believer that you create your own destiny. I find myself day in day out lately, sitting here, going, "what's the point?" to so many things.
I need to stop thinking like that. I need to reclaim who I am, or at least who I used to be, and what I stand for. There's a "me" in there somewhere, and she's screaming to get out,and I don't know how to let her out.
You know, that might be a good sign that you really DO need to go back to work - not out of any financial necessity, but so that you're doing something that's yours and yours alone. As SAHMs, we are mums, doctors, wives, housekeepers, educators, hostesses, and referees; every single one of our roles is defined by another person (kids, husbands, friends, etc.). Writing is a great outlet, but if you need more, maybe you need work! (Myself, I make a point of leaving at least a couple of times a week for a couple of hours, WITHOUT Tristin, so that I can have a cup of coffee and read a book!)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!